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Jul. 15th, 2008

i don't know.

my head is swimming.
feelings,
ideas,
muddled memories of future's past.
the fire consumes.
embers rekindled.
a phoenix again.
i feel like i could explode.
always been on a mission.
so they all said.
what that mission is,
well i missed that part.
sometimes i think
i'm just feeling the shockwaves
of a past life.
this time around,
i'm meant for simplicity.
but who says i can't have it all?
that's all that i want.
my mind tells me i've missed my train.
but my heart tells me to walk on anyway.
never settle for the simple life
just because i'm afraid to try
for something great.
when i find my place
inside my self again
i'll start my new journey.
reborn.

to do:

-Buy a book on the Tao and Sobriety for Ryan:  CHECK!
-Buy convertible car seat for Wendy:  CHECK!
-Buy bed bumpers for Wendy: CHECK!
-Get car ready to ship buy Sunday...
-Clean....
-Grocery Shopping....
-Laundry....
-Play video games....what, that's not on the list? 

Jul. 14th, 2008

a feeling.

That feeling inside of me is swelling and swelling.  Still indescribable.  I feel like I'm approaching a spiritual orgasm.  That same "....ok right there...now harder...oh not so hard...wait you moved....goddamnit I just want to cum NOWWWW!" feeling.  Probably the best way to describe it, vulgar as it may be.

Different versions of Redemption Song keep coming up in my life.  It is my current anthem.  And Wendy's lullabye.  We listened to it tonight, watching the video of Joe Strummer's version.  I teared up.  I feel this connection.  I hear Joe Strummer, then see the part with Rancid, and I feel connected.  These people speak to me.  Haile Sellasie spoke to Bob Marley.  Bob Marley spoke to Joe Strummer.  Joe Strummer spoke to Tim Armstrong.  And Tim Armstrong speaks to me.  And I have felt this drive to continue the path for nigh on 10 years now.  But with no idea how.  For a long time it became and obsession with Rancid and I thought my purpose would come through them, somehow.  Now I'm wiser and I know better.  Tim didn't take up music to meet Joe.  He felt like there was nothing else in the world for him to do.  I need that.  I feel like I'm ready to shed my skin again.

I know when I come back to my center the answer will be revealed.  I feel like a pendulum.  Just settle.  I need to do Qi Gong.  

When Hayley gets back from China we are going to have so much to talk about. Until then, tuning up my telepathy. 

Jul. 13th, 2008

day of birth

Busy busy busy weekend.  I had a decent birthday.  Didn't suck, but not great.  
I could not possibly get out of here soon enough.  Living with my parents is eating my insides.  I am constantly in a state of rage/pain/anguish/disappointment/melancholy.  I love my dad.  But he's drunk all the time and therefore not really my dad.  Because when I say my dad I mean the real person he is.  I wish he could sort out his shit.  But he'd rather bury it in alcohol.  Ok, I watch enough intervention to know it's not that he'd rather, it's that he doesn't know another way.   Blah blah blah, it hurts me.  I'm not having him hurt Wendy.  When I can finally move out for good, he's getting a talking to, and he will no longer see her unless he can do it stone cold sober.  And my mom...that's just too long a story to go into.  
Furthermore, my husband has a drinking problem, of which he is fully aware and tries his damndest to control, but without me around he loses direction.  That sentence makes no sense.  Oh well, I get it.  I neeeeed to get to Georgia.  2 weeks, 5 days.  Holy shit.
Hayley is in China.  It is amazing.  I can feel her becoming stronger, harmonizing with the universe.  Everywhere she goes, I am.  As she experiences the worldly place her spirit calls home, she sends me multitutdes of beautiful harmonious energy.  The Tao has changed my life.  It is so fun to see how this all plays out.  Pieces of a puzzle. 

Jul. 2nd, 2008

Organic Relaxation Tea.

My new best friend.
I probably drive what few readers I have insane with my sentence fragments.  But by the time I have  5 minutes to myself to post, I am so exhausted all my thoughts are fragments.  So...build a bridge? I'll try this time.
I babysat Vincent today.  He and Wendy are so cute together.  Makes me want to give Wendy a sibling.  She is much nicer than I anticipated.  Of course Vince is a very chilled out baby and she knows she only has to share me for a couple hours.  Anyway, it's fun pretending to have twins every once in a while.
Went to Sally today to get dye to fix my hair.  The part that wasn't supposed to be blue but sucked up the blue dye and turned turquoise has now faded to ugly blue mud.  And the blonde is getting bled on and muddy also.  So tomorrow it will all be blue.  Ryan said to do it and he's the only person who's opinion I give a fuck about anyway.  Oh, with purple streaks on top and in the bangs.  I think it will be cute.
Also went to the new health food store in town and got myself some de-stressing shit.  I almost had a panic attack last night but stopped it with sheer will-power.  I was pretty sure I was going to pass out.  So I just gave up and said fine let me fucking pass out then I'm going to sleep anyway.  But yeah, stress has been bad lately, anxiety has been back, shortness of breath constantly, grey outs, palpitations, bullshit.  So I got me some Relaxation tea (passion flower, valerian, skullcap, chamomile, spearmint, peppermint, catnip, lemon balm...others I can't remember.  Every relaxing herb that tastes yummy!) AND a product called GABA calm.  Since I knew doctors like to treat panic disorder with drugs that increase uptake of GABA (like xanax) I figured GABA supplementation is probably a safer alternative, if less effective.  It's very difficult, apparently, to make GABA in a supplement that can pass the blood-brain barrier, so some people say it's useless.  I'm thinking of looking into Glutamine and B6 supplementation, and/or rich foods.  I'm never ever going to act like I'm just "sick" or I have a "disease" or "syndrome" and therefore some doctor should tell me what's best for me.  It's my body, and it's just a little out of whack.  I can fix it.  I dream of the day I can have normal stress in my life and just handle it like most people.  (Sidenote:  look up GABA desensitization and PTSD.  Still a possibility I have PTSD from the birth.)  Yes I am a nerd and I never claimed to be otherwise.
My cup of tea is almost gone and that means it's bed time.  I'm going to see my wonderful wonderful man tomorrow night.  Oh that reminds me I meant to try out my new vibratone gold balls tonight.....yeah ok goodnight.

Jun. 30th, 2008

sorry.

I fail at LJ.  So effing busy.  
Baby is healthy now, plus 1 tooth and immune to Roseola, but clingy as all hell.  Getting into everything.  But she's learning to fear me when I say no so YAY.  Started potty training.  Her own choice!  Hooray for baby sign language.  Hooray for less poopy diapers to change.  My baby kicks ass.  
Going to Denver on Thursday.  Nervous, but excited.  I want my Ryan.  I want to hug him and kiss him and do naughty things with him.  Seperation has gotten me back in touch with my sexual side.  Very good.  Experimentation is in our future.  Weee!
Getting my jaw massaged tomorrow.  It's still getting better, but not great yet.  I can open enough to brush my teeth now, but not enough to bite into a banana properly.  If you catch my drift.  Frowny face.
Blah blah blah.  I'm really terrible at this.  Time for bed.

Jun. 27th, 2008

Seriously.

I want to stab myself in the face lately.  Could ya tell?  I'm sick of even thinking about it, yet I keep thinking that if I try to write I'll feel better.  It's just plain stupid!  I just have one of those feelings inside me...the feeling I get when my life is about to change.  It's never wrong.  I always find myself reaching out in a million directions, trying to jump the gun and figure out just what it is that's going to change.  It's an excited feeling, not a dreadful feeling, but it still makes me uncomfortable as hell.  The last time I felt it this strongly was my last couple months in Cali.  Then I got pregnant and moved to Texas.  During these times I have this insatiable hunger for music.  I have to have that feeling constantly.  The feeling of bubbling and boiling inside that comes to me when I listen to really good punk rock.  I can't get enough.  Something big is coming. 

Jun. 25th, 2008

Aye aye aye...

Feel like a lunatic.  It's been so so long since I've been without Ryan.  And our relationship was so so different then.  This is a whole different ball game and I am so not doing it well.  We definetely have a symbiotic relationship.  Without his energy I'm only half here.  It throws everything about me off and I keep finding myself trying to fill this void unconsciously.  The thing with the guy from the concert....granted he really is a sweet guy and I get very good vibes from him, but come on.  Nobody but nobody will ever be my Ryan and I know it.  Just trying to fill a void.  I seriously just feel crazy.  I don't think I could even put words to it.  My mind is not mine.  It's like someone else is in my head right now.  Go away, you!  I'm supposed to be using this thing to talk about my feelings and stress but they just don't even make any sense to me anymore.  Still, I try.
I am feeling especially Mitral Valve Prolapse Syndrome-ish lately.  For a while I stopped beliving in it.  There is so much controversy as to whether it even exists.  But I'm not the only person who feels like this.  There are thousands with the same symptoms I have.  Dysautonomia.  I know I'm having apneas again, I can feel it when I wake up.  My blood pressure is crazy.  When I really get worked up, I feel the arrythmias.  My nervous system hates me.  And I hate it.  And one part of me wants to believe the TCM angle of it because that can give me a reason, hope of a cure.  Western medicine says I'm just an anomoly and to deal with my stress.  Blah.  I want the angle that will make my body work the way it's supposed to.  I will find it one day.  Nature is meant to work.  I should not be afraid of my body.  It will work for me when the conditions are finally what it needs.  Don't worry about it and just be thankful for every day.

Jun. 21st, 2008

lonely

I am so fucking lonely.  I miss my man.  I need to get laid.  By my husband.  2 more weeks.
I have a lot to talk about but I need to be asleep.  Fucking heart palpitations.  You can stop now.
My husband went tittie bar hopping tonight and showed pictures of Wendy to strippers.  I'm sure he did some less cute things, but he also called me a billion times to tell me he loves me.  I feel his pain.  I enjoyed the male companionship last night.  I am sure he is doing the same...well, except female, you know.
I am happy to know that Double H is still alive inside me.

Jun. 17th, 2008

brief.

Shit has been insane.  Teething, feverish, cranky, sometimes clingy as hell, sometimes suddenly independent, fussy baby for about a week.  Hardly any sleep.  Husband just got back from field ex.  Tightness in chest almost constantly.  Make it stop!  No free time.  Must cook dinner. 

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