Blah Blah Blah

my head is swimming.
feelings,
ideas,
muddled memories of future's past.
the fire consumes.
embers rekindled.
a phoenix again.
i feel like i could explode.
always been on a mission.
so they all said.
what that mission is,
well i missed that part.
sometimes i think
i'm just feeling the shockwaves
of a past life.
this time around,
i'm meant for simplicity.
but who says i can't have it all?
that's all that i want.
my mind tells me i've missed my train.
but my heart tells me to walk on anyway.
never settle for the simple life
just because i'm afraid to try
for something great.
when i find my place
inside my self again
i'll start my new journey.
reborn.

-Buy a book on the Tao and Sobriety for Ryan:  CHECK!
-Buy convertible car seat for Wendy:  CHECK!
-Buy bed bumpers for Wendy: CHECK!
-Get car ready to ship buy Sunday...
-Clean....
-Grocery Shopping....
-Laundry....
-Play video games....what, that's not on the list? 

That feeling inside of me is swelling and swelling.  Still indescribable.  I feel like I'm approaching a spiritual orgasm.  That same "....ok right there...now harder...oh not so hard...wait you moved....goddamnit I just want to cum NOWWWW!" feeling.  Probably the best way to describe it, vulgar as it may be.

Different versions of Redemption Song keep coming up in my life.  It is my current anthem.  And Wendy's lullabye.  We listened to it tonight, watching the video of Joe Strummer's version.  I teared up.  I feel this connection.  I hear Joe Strummer, then see the part with Rancid, and I feel connected.  These people speak to me.  Haile Sellasie spoke to Bob Marley.  Bob Marley spoke to Joe Strummer.  Joe Strummer spoke to Tim Armstrong.  And Tim Armstrong speaks to me.  And I have felt this drive to continue the path for nigh on 10 years now.  But with no idea how.  For a long time it became and obsession with Rancid and I thought my purpose would come through them, somehow.  Now I'm wiser and I know better.  Tim didn't take up music to meet Joe.  He felt like there was nothing else in the world for him to do.  I need that.  I feel like I'm ready to shed my skin again.

I know when I come back to my center the answer will be revealed.  I feel like a pendulum.  Just settle.  I need to do Qi Gong.  

When Hayley gets back from China we are going to have so much to talk about. Until then, tuning up my telepathy. 

Busy busy busy weekend.  I had a decent birthday.  Didn't suck, but not great.  
I could not possibly get out of here soon enough.  Living with my parents is eating my insides.  I am constantly in a state of rage/pain/anguish/disappointment/melancholy.  I love my dad.  But he's drunk all the time and therefore not really my dad.  Because when I say my dad I mean the real person he is.  I wish he could sort out his shit.  But he'd rather bury it in alcohol.  Ok, I watch enough intervention to know it's not that he'd rather, it's that he doesn't know another way.   Blah blah blah, it hurts me.  I'm not having him hurt Wendy.  When I can finally move out for good, he's getting a talking to, and he will no longer see her unless he can do it stone cold sober.  And my mom...that's just too long a story to go into.  
Furthermore, my husband has a drinking problem, of which he is fully aware and tries his damndest to control, but without me around he loses direction.  That sentence makes no sense.  Oh well, I get it.  I neeeeed to get to Georgia.  2 weeks, 5 days.  Holy shit.
Hayley is in China.  It is amazing.  I can feel her becoming stronger, harmonizing with the universe.  Everywhere she goes, I am.  As she experiences the worldly place her spirit calls home, she sends me multitutdes of beautiful harmonious energy.  The Tao has changed my life.  It is so fun to see how this all plays out.  Pieces of a puzzle. 

My new best friend.
I probably drive what few readers I have insane with my sentence fragments.  But by the time I have  5 minutes to myself to post, I am so exhausted all my thoughts are fragments.  So...build a bridge? I'll try this time.
I babysat Vincent today.  He and Wendy are so cute together.  Makes me want to give Wendy a sibling.  She is much nicer than I anticipated.  Of course Vince is a very chilled out baby and she knows she only has to share me for a couple hours.  Anyway, it's fun pretending to have twins every once in a while.
Went to Sally today to get dye to fix my hair.  The part that wasn't supposed to be blue but sucked up the blue dye and turned turquoise has now faded to ugly blue mud.  And the blonde is getting bled on and muddy also.  So tomorrow it will all be blue.  Ryan said to do it and he's the only person who's opinion I give a fuck about anyway.  Oh, with purple streaks on top and in the bangs.  I think it will be cute.
Also went to the new health food store in town and got myself some de-stressing shit.  I almost had a panic attack last night but stopped it with sheer will-power.  I was pretty sure I was going to pass out.  So I just gave up and said fine let me fucking pass out then I'm going to sleep anyway.  But yeah, stress has been bad lately, anxiety has been back, shortness of breath constantly, grey outs, palpitations, bullshit.  So I got me some Relaxation tea (passion flower, valerian, skullcap, chamomile, spearmint, peppermint, catnip, lemon balm...others I can't remember.  Every relaxing herb that tastes yummy!) AND a product called GABA calm.  Since I knew doctors like to treat panic disorder with drugs that increase uptake of GABA (like xanax) I figured GABA supplementation is probably a safer alternative, if less effective.  It's very difficult, apparently, to make GABA in a supplement that can pass the blood-brain barrier, so some people say it's useless.  I'm thinking of looking into Glutamine and B6 supplementation, and/or rich foods.  I'm never ever going to act like I'm just "sick" or I have a "disease" or "syndrome" and therefore some doctor should tell me what's best for me.  It's my body, and it's just a little out of whack.  I can fix it.  I dream of the day I can have normal stress in my life and just handle it like most people.  (Sidenote:  look up GABA desensitization and PTSD.  Still a possibility I have PTSD from the birth.)  Yes I am a nerd and I never claimed to be otherwise.
My cup of tea is almost gone and that means it's bed time.  I'm going to see my wonderful wonderful man tomorrow night.  Oh that reminds me I meant to try out my new vibratone gold balls tonight.....yeah ok goodnight.

I fail at LJ.  So effing busy.  
Baby is healthy now, plus 1 tooth and immune to Roseola, but clingy as all hell.  Getting into everything.  But she's learning to fear me when I say no so YAY.  Started potty training.  Her own choice!  Hooray for baby sign language.  Hooray for less poopy diapers to change.  My baby kicks ass.  
Going to Denver on Thursday.  Nervous, but excited.  I want my Ryan.  I want to hug him and kiss him and do naughty things with him.  Seperation has gotten me back in touch with my sexual side.  Very good.  Experimentation is in our future.  Weee!
Getting my jaw massaged tomorrow.  It's still getting better, but not great yet.  I can open enough to brush my teeth now, but not enough to bite into a banana properly.  If you catch my drift.  Frowny face.
Blah blah blah.  I'm really terrible at this.  Time for bed.

I want to stab myself in the face lately.  Could ya tell?  I'm sick of even thinking about it, yet I keep thinking that if I try to write I'll feel better.  It's just plain stupid!  I just have one of those feelings inside me...the feeling I get when my life is about to change.  It's never wrong.  I always find myself reaching out in a million directions, trying to jump the gun and figure out just what it is that's going to change.  It's an excited feeling, not a dreadful feeling, but it still makes me uncomfortable as hell.  The last time I felt it this strongly was my last couple months in Cali.  Then I got pregnant and moved to Texas.  During these times I have this insatiable hunger for music.  I have to have that feeling constantly.  The feeling of bubbling and boiling inside that comes to me when I listen to really good punk rock.  I can't get enough.  Something big is coming. 

Feel like a lunatic.  It's been so so long since I've been without Ryan.  And our relationship was so so different then.  This is a whole different ball game and I am so not doing it well.  We definetely have a symbiotic relationship.  Without his energy I'm only half here.  It throws everything about me off and I keep finding myself trying to fill this void unconsciously.  The thing with the guy from the concert....granted he really is a sweet guy and I get very good vibes from him, but come on.  Nobody but nobody will ever be my Ryan and I know it.  Just trying to fill a void.  I seriously just feel crazy.  I don't think I could even put words to it.  My mind is not mine.  It's like someone else is in my head right now.  Go away, you!  I'm supposed to be using this thing to talk about my feelings and stress but they just don't even make any sense to me anymore.  Still, I try.
I am feeling especially Mitral Valve Prolapse Syndrome-ish lately.  For a while I stopped beliving in it.  There is so much controversy as to whether it even exists.  But I'm not the only person who feels like this.  There are thousands with the same symptoms I have.  Dysautonomia.  I know I'm having apneas again, I can feel it when I wake up.  My blood pressure is crazy.  When I really get worked up, I feel the arrythmias.  My nervous system hates me.  And I hate it.  And one part of me wants to believe the TCM angle of it because that can give me a reason, hope of a cure.  Western medicine says I'm just an anomoly and to deal with my stress.  Blah.  I want the angle that will make my body work the way it's supposed to.  I will find it one day.  Nature is meant to work.  I should not be afraid of my body.  It will work for me when the conditions are finally what it needs.  Don't worry about it and just be thankful for every day.

I am so fucking lonely.  I miss my man.  I need to get laid.  By my husband.  2 more weeks.
I have a lot to talk about but I need to be asleep.  Fucking heart palpitations.  You can stop now.
My husband went tittie bar hopping tonight and showed pictures of Wendy to strippers.  I'm sure he did some less cute things, but he also called me a billion times to tell me he loves me.  I feel his pain.  I enjoyed the male companionship last night.  I am sure he is doing the same...well, except female, you know.
I am happy to know that Double H is still alive inside me.

Shit has been insane.  Teething, feverish, cranky, sometimes clingy as hell, sometimes suddenly independent, fussy baby for about a week.  Hardly any sleep.  Husband just got back from field ex.  Tightness in chest almost constantly.  Make it stop!  No free time.  Must cook dinner. 

Panic attack again.  I really feel like I'm panicking this time.  I have to calm down.  I have to get through this.  What do I feel?  I feel like I can't breathe.  I'm dizzy.  I have that dizzy feeling in my head.  Not like the room is spinning, like my brain is spinning.  I can't breathe.  Breathe.  It's not real.  It's just stress.  I had a bad night last night.  Wendy didn't sleep.  I didn't sleep.  I'm still stressed out worrying about her.  She is sick and I'm worried that I'm not treating it seriously enough.  I'm worried that she's going to die and it's going to be my fault.  There I said it.  I am worried that something bad is going to happen to her and it's going to be my fault and Ryan is going to blame me and never forgive me.  Why do I get these thoughts in my head?  Where do they come from?  They're not real.  I feel crazy.  I feel like I'm cracking.  What is wrong with me?  Why can't I be normal?  Calm down calm down.  Chemicals.  It's chemicals.  Chemicals in my brain.  I am in control of them.  Breathe.  Relax.  What is wrong?  What's wrong is that I'm under emotional stress, and that plus the stress of taking care of a sick baby has thrown my chemicals out of whack.  That is all.  I am in fight or flight mode.  Yawn.  Yawns are good.  Need more oxygen.  I am going to get this fixed.  I am going to make it all better.  This is just an obstacle in my life.  I have gotten over obstacles before.  I am so tired.  Every time I started to fall asleep I quit breathing and felt like something shocked me in the heart.  It's a horrible horrible feeling.  As soon as I am on Tri-Care I am going to get this fixed.  Priority number one.  I can't take care of anything else until I'm healthy.  I am going to get to Georgia ASAP.  I need my husband.  Everything else will be ok if I have him.  He is the air I breathe.  I am going to get to talk to him tomorrow.  I am going to cry to him.  I need to cry to him.  I need to tell him that I feel weak.  Don't hide from him.  Don't be tough.  It's ok to feel.  Cry.  Breathe.  I am going to get through this.  I am.  I am going to rest all day tomorrow.  Why am I still dizzy?  And tingly.  Still can't breathe.  Control the chemicals.  Think good thoughts and good chemicals will come.  I just want someone out there to read this and tell me they've felt the same thing and gotten through it.  This is not going to kill me.  That's just part of it.  I can't get it out of my head.  I can't type.  Why can't I relax?  This is a bad one.  Bad because of lack of sleep.  I need to sleep.  It's not real.  You are tired.  You are stressed.  You are emotional.  It's all ok.  It's going to get better.  You are going to see Ryan soon.  Wendy is going to be fine.  She just needs to cut a tooth.  That is all.  That really is all.  Ryan loves you.  Wendy loves you.  I need Hayley.  I'm going to call her and cry.  Calm down.

Wendy is teething hard.  I guess.  I hope.  Her fever was 101 under her armpit today and even tylenol doesn't seem to help.  Weaning has gone out the window because boob is the only thing that can soothe her.  I feel so bad for her, I've never seen her in so much pain.  I keep thinking about the girl Denise worked with who's ten month old got a fever and then just died in her sleep.  Turned out to be meningitis.  I might be just a LITTLE bit paranoid.  Ryan always makes it better and he's not here.  So I will probably just grind me teeth and toss and turn all night.  Stupid stupid stupid!  But I'm beat so g'night. 

Wendy is about to cut her top teeth. Finally. I'm betting all four within the next 2 weeks. She is miserable, constipated, can't stop sweating or drooling, can't sleep. I picked a hell of a time to try to wean her! Honestly, 90% of the time I still feel like a bitch about it. But it just wasn't working for me anymore. She is one of those babies that rips my shirt down, reaches in my bra, pinches my nipple and pulls it to her mouth every opportunity she gets. Then throws a tantrum when I say not right now. I felt like a posession, and I started thinking "as she becomes more of a toddler, it's only going to get harder to tell her she can't have her favorite thing in the world." I told myself from the beginning that it's a relationship and it only works as long as both parties feel comfortable. Well, I just don't feel comfortable anymore, but I also feel like I am depriving her. Meh, it's just crappy. But, better in the long run and all that jazz.

I have been insanely busy all week and still don't feel like I've even made a dent in all the stuff I have to do. Fuck me for agreeing to re-enlistment, I forgot how much work was involved for me!

Rancid in one week. Hayley and I are going to get a room at a resort and make a day out of it. My first night away from the babe. But god knows I need it. It is going to be a blast. Oh, add get a hotel room to the to-do list.

I think of so many good things to write about during the day but never have the time/motivation until I'm fucking losing it. I still don't feel great-- been short of breath since this afternoon, jaw still sucks, but it's not getting worse so I guess I'm not grinding my teeth anymore. I don't think I actually had PPD but I do think that all the stress I went through postpartum mingled with my already wonky hormones and screwed up my body chemistry pretty bad. Slight stress=life-threatening situation to some part of my brain that I don't understand. I'm just glad I've come to understand and accept now that just because I feel like I'm about to die doesn't mean I am. I made myself so much sicker believing that shit. Fuck you brain.
Anyway.
Looks like moving to Georgia is going to happen. Ryan told me today to just go ahead and go through with it. Even if his application to live off base is denied, it'll still be better for both of us if I'm up there. I'm excited. This should be exciting. So don't freaking worry about it.
I have been thinking more about what happens after school though, and OCS, and I don't think I want Ryan to activate. I think it would actually be more lucrative and less stressful in the long run for him to go through OCS while finishing his Bachelor's degree and then drill as a Lieutenant (about $175 extra per drill session if I remember correctly) and use the management experience plus bachelor's to get a kickass civi job. By the time he retires he'll probably be at least a Captain so that should be a decent retirement check. I'm happy. I finally feel like we've got the right course figured out. I say we, but it's funny how in my world it has little to do with me. I've always felt like I'll figure me out later, I just want Ryan to have the life he wants and I'll be fine. He deserves it though.
Ok ok no rambling. Need to make a list of what to do tomorrow so I don't think about it when I should be sleeping.
7:00-8:00ish Wake up!
-Burn cd w/pictures and orders
9:00-9:30 Leave the house.
-Post office
-State Farm to sign papers
-Dollar Store for giant envelopes to mail clothes in
-Marshall's for white belt and bra (A cup again thankyouverymuch weaning!)
-Publix for diapers and baby food (don't forget coupons!)
Afternoontime
-Call Hayley
-Look for flight for Ryan
-Make appt at DMV
...I think that's all I HAVE to get done. Plenty more to do but one day at a time. I have been surprisingly productive since Ry left. Trying to keep my brain busy...but not too busy. Balance is just not my thing. I'm learning. I need to shut up and go to bed now. Night!

I really need to be asleep right now but I feel like I'm having a panic attack. The first since January. I was afraid of this. Why can't my body handle stress? I don't think I ever handled these right. I need to just talk myself through it until it goes away. I'm not going to die like this, no matter how much and how loudly my brain tells me I am. That's just my fight or flight mechanism talking. My chemistry just takes stress to mean imminent death. They're just stress hormones. What is bothering me? Right now, I feel like no matter how deeply I breathe I can't get any air. That's just my body trying to oxygenate my muscles to run. I'm shaking. That's my body trying to raise my temperature and keep my muscles warm. I'm nauseated. That's my body telling me that something's wrong and I need to do something about it. My chest burns. My throat feels tight. I feel like I want to cry but I can't. It's all animalistic, natural, hormonal. It's not death. I'm not going to pass out again. It keeps flashing before my eyes. Waking up on the bathroom floor, gasping, gagging, reeling, clawing at the door, screaming. Never ever again. I am beating this. I am crying. That is what I need. Take the stress and get it out of my body. I don't need it. It's toxic. What am I stressing about? I can't stop thinking about all I need to do. Get a new driver's license. Get a new license plate. Get a new ID. Get enrolled in tri-care. Find an apartment. Find a car hauler. Buy a plane ticket. But first there's the trip to Colorado. It should be a vacation. My jaw hurts. My hip hurts and I don't know why. My legs hurt like growing pains. Why? I need to get my period. What if I'm pregnant? Calm down. Yawn. That's good. Yawns are good. Oxygen in my brain is good.
Stretch. Make a list.
Tuesday: Buy diapers and baby food and formula. Relax. Call State Farm at liesure. Check DEERS site (correct information) at leisure. No rush.
Wednesday: DMV. Tag agency if good with State Farm.
Thursday: Buy shipping supplies. Open Seller account on e-bay. Begin store set-up.
Friday: Call BCBS and Tri-care. Fax in enrollment form.
This weekend: Relax.
Save the rest. Don't get ahead. I have a plan, no reason to stress. I keep yawning but I still don't feel like I have any air. I'm getting sleepy again but I'm still nauseated. I can't remember what it feels like to open my mouth all the way. But don't worry about it, it will go away. Everything goes away. Nothing is permanent. Yawn. I miss my husband. I hate sleeping alone. I want to hug him. I want to kiss him. I want him here to keep bad guys away. I don't feel safe. I need an ibuprofen. I want drugs. I feel like a bad mother for wanting a break from my child. But I love my child so much. But she makes me miss my husband. I need to cry more. I keep thinking the baby is crying. I saw spiders crawling up the wall last night-- night terror. That should have been my clue I'm getting stressed out. I am in control of my body. Think of good feelings. Lovingkindness. Feel Ryan's lovingkindness, I know he's thinking of me. Sometimes I think I can't cope with stress because I take on everyone's. My mom gives me her stress and I hate her for it. My throat is till tight. Where is my oxygen? I need to be asleep. I hope Wendy sleeps well tonight. I hope I sleep well tonight. Do I feel better yet? Lavender helps. I feel the air in my nose. Think of something funny. Think of something fun. Think of LOTR. Imagine Lothlorien. You're in Lothlorien. The trees. The peace. Feel it. Lavender really helps. I think I'm ready. Ibuprofen and water and sleep. Good luck.

  Name something that made you smile today?
My daughter throwing a bag of diapers on the cat and then cracking up.

What were you doing at 7:00 AM?
Eating/feeding the babe breakfast.

If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a regret what would you choose?
The money.  Don't have any regrets worth nearly that much money.

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex that you can talk to 24/7?
Yep.

Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet?
Yeah I can be a pretty hateful bitch.

What were you doing 1 hour ago?
Playing with Wendy O.

What was the last thing you said aloud?
IDK I'm constantly talking to Wendy without even realizing it.  Probably something like "Ok time to go night nights pumpkin."

How many different things did you drink today?
Just water!  Weird I didn't even realize that.

Are you ticklish?
Only for certain people.

Is success in your future?
Duh.

Are you a heavy sleeper?
I would like to be.  When I have someone to help me with the baby duty I am.

What are your plans for tomorrow?
Go to Patrick AFB DEERS office and Housing office and Tricare office....ohhhh to be back in the military life...

What are you listening to?
National Public Radio

Does someone like you right now?
I like a lot of people.

Where was the last place you went?
Um....the airport on Friday.  I don't get out much.

Look at your third friend on myspace, do you really like them?
He's my brother of course I do!

Who is the last person who had a deep meaningful conversation with?
Every conversation with Ryan is deep and meaningful to me.

Can you keep a secret?
To the grave.

Your favorite romantic movie?
I can't think of a single "romantic" movie I like.  I guess Sweeny Todd might count? 

Have you ever played naked twister?
Nope but I've done much worse. 

Is there something you will never forget?
Um, god I hope there are a lot of things.

How do you feel about Valentines day?
We decided to make it Family Love day.  You have to express your genuine emotions to your family members, don't just get them stupid cards and candy.

How is your hair?
Needs a dye.  I'm not so crazy about the current cut but don't know what else to do.

Have you hugged anyone on your top friends?
All except one.

Who was the last person you hugged?
Wendy.

Are you typically a jealous person?
Yep.

Do you wish on 11:11?
What am I 10?

What's on your mind?
Sleep, tomorrow, moving, my jaw.......a billion things all the time.

Which shoe do you put on first?
Always the right.  *sigh* I can't help it.

Favorite color/s?
Red.

Have you ever kissed someone starting with an A?
Yes.

Last thing received in the mail?
Probably a pay stub.

Do you have trust issues?
Not with romantic relationships, but 99% of people yes.

Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them?
A lot.  My first tendency is usually towards dislike.

Have you ever hurt anyone when you were mad?
A lot.  I get very mean.

Is it easier to forgive or forget?
Forgive.

What is the most important thing in any relationship?
Remembering that you're on the same team.

Do you smile a lot?
Yes, my evil clown smile.


Shit is working out with the possibility of moving.  Ryan's command is down with it because they have no place to put him.  There are plenty of furnished aparments available for less than BAH.  I think we'll make it happen.  I'm just not afraid of anything like that anymore.  Even if it doesn't really work out the way we want, it won't kill us, and it can't be worse than the way things are now or the way they have been for the past year and a half.  I'm psyched.  Turns out the bitches on military.com are not only douchebags, they have bunk information.  My jaw is still very screwed up and pissing my off.  I can barely fit a toothbrush in my mouth and I am a toothbrushing junkie.  This shit needs to stop.  I am super sleepy.  Time for mommy night nights.

Why do people on the internet have to be fucking assholes?

I posted a question on military.com, asking for information about if it would be possible for me to move to Georgia to be close to Ryan.  I was formal and made my questions clear.  All I have gotten are judgements.  I don't want anyone's fucking judgements.  It's not like I even said "I'M MOVING TO GEORGIA WHAT DO YOU THINK?"  I am so fucking on edge right now with all of these changes and I am hurting and I thought people there might understand.  Turns out, I am worthless because my husband is ONLY in the guard and he's ONLY going to be gone for a few months.   You think I don't realize it could be worse?  Of course I fucking do.  I'm not being a baby.  I only asked for information for christ's sake!  I didn't even let on to how upset I am because I knew I didn't want to compromise the feelings of anyone who's going through worse.  The honest to god truth is that I absolutely hate my current situation, I live with my parents and it is harmful to my mental health.  It's dredging up so many old feelings and so many new resentments and I can't deal with any of them because I'm too fucking busy and that just makes it worse.  I can't handle this stress without him.  Add to that the stress I am under worrying about him, if he's ok....worrying that he's going to do something to hurt me...he quit drinking in January because he realized he had a problem, then started drinking casually last month, and now has drank three nights in a row.  This is a bad pattern to start.  He does his best and his love for me never waivers but he has an addiction.  I'm fucking hurt and no one is going to illegitamize that.  I'm just trying to help make my hurt go away like anyone would do if they could find a way.  I know how miserable he is being thrown back into a squad bay, back into a full-time military life, it's pulling up bad old feelings and thoughts of how he swore he would never do it again.  He misses his baby girl.  I don't want him to hurt either if I can help it in any way.  It's not wrong to try to find a way to be closer to my husband.  I know he's there to train, no fucking shit.  I know my husband better than anyone and I KNOW he cannot focus without motivation and prodding.  I know I wouldn't see him much.  The point is ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN THIS.  And the sad truth is now my feelings are even more hurt than when I started because I thought someone might understand that and it seems no one does. 

Goddamnit I hate crying and I hate feeling.

And now I'm so so terrified that this stress is going to make me sick again and I don't know how to stop it except to be with him.  I don't ever want to be sick like that again.

Today is my first full day without Ryan.  It sucks.  I miss him.  It doesn't help that I'm PMSing.  I have no motivation to do anything, except eat.  Unfortunately, I've been grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw in my sleep so bad lately my jaw has become LOCKED and I can hardly open it.  So my diet is somewhat limited.  I had it worked out pretty well yesterday but then I got a night guard to try to help...but you have to custom fit it and that involves clenching the jaw for 30 seconds.  Which fucked it right back up again.  Stupid!  I am soooooooo cranky and pouty.  Bah!

But I shouldn't complain.  Turns out all this shit Ryan was told about getting special housing for being an NCO was bunk because Ft. Gordon is too full.  He's in transient housing sharing a room with 5 young, heavy-drinking hoodlums and the word is he'll be staying there.  I can tell he's trying to sound all chipper so keep me from getting depressed.  Not working!  But I so don't feel like talking about it right now.  I need a shower. 

Hello, livejournal.  Long time, no see.  Like, about a year.  I won't even begin to unravel the tale of the last year.  It has been long and crazy.  The reason I am here today is that I have entered a phase in my life that I know is going to be stressful and I know now that if I do not deal with my stress and emotions, I will get very sick.  So I will be forcing myself to journal.  I really suck at it now because my brain and words don't get along anymore, but as long as I feel like I'm talking to someone somewhere about my feelings I'll be alright.

Why the stressful phase?  Ryan left for 5 months today.  In January he enlisted in the Florida Army National Guard Reserves.  So now he's at AIT in Ft. Gordon, Georgia to become a 25B, Information Technology Specialist.  It's good training, I'm really glad he's doing it.  Things have really been picking up for us since we decided to stop fighting our path.  We started a military couple and we'll end a military couple.  It's just what's meant for us.  I get it now.  This is how it has to be.  Unfortunately that means that we have to spend time apart.  Now it's AIT, one day it will be other activations and deployments.  If it means a better life for us than living with our parents then I'll deal, somehow.  He's up there until the end of October.  The good thing is we'll be able to afford monthly visits.  The bad news is...I have a toddler to raise and my parents to deal with and only one or two friends, neither of which understand my plight.  Tonight begins the search for a good military spouse support group.  Never thought I'd do it, but here I am.  Like I said, I learned in the last year that when I don't look for support and sort my feelings out I get very very sick, physically and mentally.  So, gotta do what I gotta do.

Yeah, so I hold grudges.
Tri-care is such a huge stinking pain in the ass.  I don't remember if I gave details last time about what happened when I went to the doctor so, here's the summary.  The doctor who has been assigned as my PCM says when I call to make an appointment "uh, we don't know why Tri-Care sent you to us.  We're not on Tri-Care.  This guy across the street is.  Try him."  Also, I thought she said to call the other doctor and make sure he was completely covered, turned out she said call TRI-CARE and make sure THEY were completely covered...stupid misunderstanding, turned into a way bigger deal than it should have been.  I make an appointment with the other doctor and show up only to be turned away because they are not my PCM.  So I get on the phone with Tri-Care...after about 40 minutes of talking to a woman named Anita with a very bad attitude I'm crying and the lady from my PCM's office is on the phone.  Anita swears to us that if they assigned me to this guy, he MUST be on Tri-Care, so I shouldn't get billed.  We say fine, we've got witnesses, if this gets fucked up I'm getting my money back, and the lady at my PCM squeezes me in after lunch.  I still get pissed just thinking about it.  NOW, I asked that doctor for a referral to an OBGYN that takes Tri-Care.  I make an appointment with the OB thinking my referral will go through no problem.  I find out my PCM has to phone in the referral to Tri-Care first.  So I told them...and they still haven't done it.  And they say they're having problems with it since they're NOT ON TRI-CARE.  So I had to move my appointment till after Thanksgiving, and I'm totally terrified I'm going to get a hefty bill for a piss test I could have done at a free pregnancy clinic.  

At first I was really worried about putting off my first pre-natal visit, but I read a few posts in the pregnant community and found out most women don't go in until 8-12 (seems to be the consensus) weeks.  I will be 9w4d (as far as I know, though I'm not completely sure since I haven't had a blood test) when I go in.  I'm at least glad when I get the sonogram there will be enough of a baby there to see, not just a little bean.  So till then, I stay on my vitamins and keep lounging around and try not to fuck this up.  I'm sure my body was ready to get pregnant when it happened (especially since I'd only been off birth control for 4 months and most women don't even have regular cycles that soon and can take up to a year to become fertile again...yeah, my body definetely wanted this baby bad.) so I'm not really too worried about anything going wrong.  The only thing I'm REALLY worried about is BILLS!  Neither one of us has a job yet, and I always freak about money anyway.  Why don't we have socialized health care again?  I'm moving to Australia.  Heh, I wish.

Anyway, as far as the pregnancy goes, all's well and normal.  I think my vits are making me more nauseous than I was to begin with so I'm going to start taking them at night.  The last few mornings I've been cursing my iron gut cause I get sooooo nauseous but I just can't throw up.  I'm false showing because off all the bloat.  I'm not really too terribly gassy, at least not more than usual considering I'm lactose intolerant, I'm just retaining a ton of water.  So I've got this little bump between my bellybutton and my crotch.  If it weren't for the fact that I can suck it in (it kind of hurts and takes more work than it used to, but it can be done) I'd think I have twins.  I have a feeling I'm going to start showing really early on and I'm going to be huge by the end of it though.  Just a feeling.  Being petite helps, plus my belly sticks out after I drink a small glass of water or put ANYTHING in there.  I can feel my uterus growing already, pushing on my back.  It's like having cramps and backache without the cramps.  Stupid retroverted uterus.  My mom said that was the worst part for her too.  The backache and the constipation from having a uterus that sits right against the spine.  Oh what else...my boobs look bigger and veinier every day.  I forget what it's like to pee every few hours like a regular person.  And what it's like for most adults to NOT feel the need to nap every afternoon.  Finally starting to feel pregnant, not just PMSy.  Every day I feel more and more connected with the alien-looking creature inside me that will one day become a baby.  So...it's going well.